Biblical Counseling

Okay. We're moving on topic-wise to what we call life stages here. And certainly there are differences in length of marriage from one couple to another, even assuming the couple is married as long as they both shall live. There are other differences from one couple's circumstances to another's. the scripture does have some principles that become relevant at typical stages or progressions. And we want to take a look at what those scriptural passages say, even though some principles that apply whether or not one is married or single. Some principles apply whether or not a person is married or single. In other words, honor your parents doesn't vary if a person is married or single, but it does have significance in the marriage, and that's the reason why we're covering it under marriage counseling here.

Now, in case you're confused, we'll clarify that. But first, we ask you to take out your own appendix, okay? What do we mean by that? You have appendix item eight, which is kind of a landscape chart. The chart is widest left and right here. Landscape chart, and that'll be a good one for us to take a look at here to walk our way through this.

We had, let's see, it was just over a month ago. Andrew Malloy and Gene got married. And last Nancy and I heard from them about a week ago. They were just delighted with being married. They like it. But one of the things we went over with them is what you see right here.

And it's talking about these life stages and the responsibilities that go with it. Why would we talk about these life stages as a part of marriage counseling? Why does that matter? Because they're coming, yes. In other words, that's the next thing down the road and life does go through these typical sequences and sometimes atypical. And when a couple gets married, it's one of the things that's really important for them to recognize that these things will come down the line and it is indeed a part of what you signed up for, okay? People will sometimes have one of these life stages things come along and they'll say, hey, wait a minute, that isn't what I signed up for. Oh, yes, it is. OK? Oh, yes, it is. And so let's step our way through it.

The top row there, and you notice we give one, in some cases, a half dozen scripture references for each one. But the top row there starts with birth. Scripture does have things to say about birth. We've only listed a few passages. We could list more. So that's where it starts. And then we have at the marriage stage, leave home. Obviously, you could have like with a single person that they're leaving home. and setting out on their own, but we're looking at this in the context of marriage counseling, so that's the next stage. Children born and raised, how many? How many is the biblical number? Twelve, he says, okay. Anybody have a different idea? What's that? Three's enough, okay. Is three a crowd? Scripture doesn't really say, does it?

No. So children born and raised, next stage here, children marry, leave home. So you've got that next stage here, and then assistance from children, get that from children, assistance from the children, and then death. Scripture addresses each one of those, right? Each one of those stages. We're going to be talking in more detail about some of them. But thinking through these stages that are there, why does Scripture address these? Why doesn't Scripture just say, hey, they happen and leave it at that? Why does Scripture bring things up particularly about each of these light stages?

Because they're like seasons. Like seasons, okay. They're going to come. Good. Other thoughts on that? Why does Scripture bring up these life stages and say something about them? The instruction book wouldn't be complete if they weren't there. Okay. The instruction book wouldn't be complete. We need that completion, don't we? Okay. Good.

Any other thoughts on that? Well, the world has their own set of things and so we need the biblical point. Okay, do you hear that? The world has their own set of ideas about these. We need to know what God says in contrast to what the world says, right?

Yeah, good idea. That's a very good point. One of the things we're doing here in this elective, at this church, I would say in every elective, is that we're teaching truths in contrast to what the world says and sees. Right? So yes, that's a very good point. Anything else? What happens if we get to a certain stage and find ourselves in shock, in shock that this next stage of life has come about.

Essentially, a part of what is happening is we are being prepared for each stage. Isn't that a part of what's going on? We're being prepared for each stage as it takes place. A part of what we're doing here is equipping for those stages as they come.

We talked for some weeks about preparation for marriage and premarital counseling and all the things that goes into that. The reason being, we don't want to just say, well, okay, now you're married, have fun. But we want people to understand what they're stepping into.

Okay? It's faith in the facts. Right? Faith in the facts. We want people to understand what they're stepping into when they step into the marriage relationship. We want them to be prepared and equipped for it. Not just all of a sudden, now I'm married, now what? Okay? Scripture gives us abundant tools and tells us where our adequacy lies, which is in the Lord.

It seems like we have a continual battle between the old man and the new man. We have a continual battle, he says, between the old man and the new man. And you mean by that what? our natural nature, the sinful nature. And it's going to not want to always do what's right.

So if Scripture points out what is right, it will keep us on track to not just follow our natural inclination. If I understand you right, Scripture then allows us to see the distinction between what the natural inclination of the sin nature would be and what the Lord would have us do by the power of the new nature, by the power of His Holy Spirit.

Right? Is that right? Yeah. That there is a contrast between those two. One of the things that's critical is that we're being prepared at each stage, and to kind of sew some thoughts together here, that includes seeing here is what God has in mind, and what God says versus what the world says. Here's what God has in mind versus what the sin nature may draw us to. And so getting those things clear is really important.

So that's why we've been talking for some weeks now about preparation for marriage and the being equipped for that and then We talk about this children being born and raised. We'll get later on into what scripture has to say about parenting, for example. But one of the key things, I remember sitting down with Randy and talking about this recently, he said it was frightening. But sitting down with Randy, he was maybe 13-ish, and I'm telling him, look, over these next several years here, we are going to be working with you to prepare you for adulthood. It's that maturing process that we're working on. So I mean, all kinds of issues are going to come up. And just so you don't wonder, you know, what are mom and dad doing? That's where we're aiming.

That you be an adult prepared for adult life and adult choices. So this is part of this life stages preparation, isn't it? So, and that's one of the things we can look at, is the Lord has preparation for us. The Lord has preparation for us for each of the life stages.

A part of that, too, is also dealing with the empty nest, is realizing, I'm growing these kids up so that they will leave and become adults and be able to make adult decisions and those kinds of things. So part of it is our own dealing with it as the kids grow up. One of the reasons we bring it up in a marriage relationship is because each person in the couple Usually you've got parents, right? And when in a marriage relationship, you are marrying into the other person's responsibility to parents.

Now, let's get real personal and practical. In the case of the relationship with Nancy and her parents, I married into that. Her parents are now, both her parents, home with the Lord. They're gone. My parents are still around. So there was kind of a time, Nancy's dad just died quickly and was putting the lawnmower away and just gone. Nancy's mom, it took a lot longer in time of assistance. But I married into that. And now my parents are still around and so Nancy married into my responsibility as well.

So that's the key thing. As we look at these, it's a joint responsibility. People are marrying into these life stages, issues together. And it's really key because the person who has a mindset that they're just marrying into things the way they are right now and right with the status that everybody has and the health that everybody has right now, that's not realistic. That's not a mindset that's going to last, is it? A young couple gets married and over time, lots of things change. And it's the husband or wife who is locked into the way things were when they got married and doesn't realize these life stages changes, they're headed for trouble.

It's going to be shocking. It's going to be shocking. Think about this assistance from children. What might that require of the children? I'm talking adult children here. What might that require? Time. And it might be regular time. Yeah. It might be a regular time commitment. Good. What else? It could be a financial issue as well. Yeah, it could involve finances. Yeah, it could be parents not able to take care of themselves or maybe it's, you know, how much are they able to take care of themselves and how much not. So, yeah, so there was some, you know, there might be some involvement that way. And that could change over time, couldn't it?

What else? Well, time breaks down into different subsets of time. Say that again? Time has different subsets of things. Alright, and tell us what that means. Well, it may be time to help them with maintaining their home. Okay. Time with take them to doctor's appointments. Okay. Personal type stuff. Yeah. House maintenance, personal appointments. Yeah.

And it's a question of, you know, what do they need now? And that could change. At one point in time, it may be a matter of, you know, helping them with maintaining the house or something like that. At some point, it might get to a point where that's not workable. But, you know, those are the kinds of things that have to be worked out, watched, and adjusted as needed.

Yeah. That actually even goes down into, like, my situation. Okay. My mother-in-law, my son, goes over and makes sure she takes her medication. Yes. So you have intergenerational effects. Yes. Helping grandma. Yep. Yep. Yeah, it may not be just the immediate children, but maybe grandchildren. Yeah, and I've seen other family relationships get called into that as well.

He mentioned, you know, helping take medication. It could either be something somewhat minor or it could be some fairly major kinds of things. Nancy's dad did a pretty good job of, you know, managing the finances and things of that sort. When he passed away, then I, you know, here a situation I married into, then I helped out with Nancy's mom and, you know, steering the finances, et cetera.

So, yeah, in the progression of time, it's a matter of keeping an eye on what's needed. Okay? Now here's a question. What happens, because here's the tough part, what happens if the parents don't want it? If they don't want the help? What happens if the siblings don't agree on what that help ought to look like? Oh, it never happens. Oh, man, I'm glad you said that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I think the reality is that you can run into those kinds of troubles and struggles. The better thing is, to the extent possible, to try to talk about some of these things, especially if you anticipate problems. How's this going to get worked out? How's it going to get worked out? It can be tough. It can be real tough. Yeah?

My mother and dad, while they were still quite young, you know, four or five years old, put together a series of documents that spelled out what the children were to do. And my ancestor But I don't think we've had that kind of word between the two of us in all our adulthood. And so they knew that whatever mom and dad would come up with, we would probably agree with. Mom is the survivor now. From her side to my side we have one senior citizen. And it's interesting because Mom doesn't necessarily go totally by that guide that she put together a few years ago, but she knows that it's there and she, by and large, follows it pretty closely.

And I think that's, back when you have a chance to sit down with your family, And pray that you have a family that is amenable to such a thing. If that's the time to do it, you don't do it when the party is ready to be put in the home. Norm's points well taken. The key point here is to try to think ahead and anticipate things.

And if you wait until all of a sudden the crisis is upon you, frequently some of the best options are already cut off. I'll use the instance of with Nancy's mom. Nancy's the middle of three sisters. The sisters really worked things out quite well. Nancy's mom was real cooperative with getting all the proper documents in place and it went quite smoothly. She set up financial and healthcare power of attorney and so it really went very smoothly in terms of how that took place.

Other people I know will have real tough situations. Sometimes parents are real resistant to talking about things. They kind of get the feeling, well, you're shoving me into the hole or something, you know. And that's unfortunate because the real need is to talk about, you know, how do I honor you is really what it's about, isn't it? How do I honor you? And how do we do that best? If you've got a family, it can be real tough as to how to get those things resolved.

Dealing with those with some anticipation and the cooperation of the parents is the ideal. situation and circumstance. And working in such a way as to work ahead of the crisis where at least ideally the parents can actually participate in saying what they want.

The instance with Nancy's mom is that at first Nancy's younger sister was right nearby. And she had the healthcare power of attorney and could make any near-term decisions. Nancy's mom moved over closer to us and then that healthcare power of attorney was then transferred to Nancy and Nancy had to make use of it. But she also had other documents in place.

Nancy's mom had been in surgery. They came out of the surgery and said, she has come down with this other condition in her leg and we need to put her back into another surgery now. We can't wait until she becomes conscious again because if we wait that long, she'll need an amputation. Well, Nancy's mom had filled out a thing that said, I don't want any amputations. And so Nancy said, I know what to do. And so Nancy, given the power and knowing what her mom wanted, signed off to go right back into surgery even before she came out of the anesthetic.

And so everything went real smoothly. Now, so here's the deal. Four documents need to have in place, okay? Those four documents, either a will or a trust arrangement, is almost always a good idea. Under some circumstances you can do without those, but ideally one of the two. You need to have a living will which says that when you are unable to direct your own health care decisions, but you're still alive, what do you want done?

Nancy's mom had a DNR. And by the way, Nancy had to go there every shift and remind the people because it was at the bottom of the stack. So DNR, do not resuscitate. And no amputations. Under no circumstances any amputations. And so Nancy had those things very clearly.

So that's a living will is one of the common terms for that. And then a health care power of attorney. to deal with those kinds of decisions where Nancy could say, on the basis of the living will and her health care power of attorney, I'm going to sign this document while my mom is still under anesthetic, get her back into surgery. Her mom was not in a position to make that decision, but Nancy, because of the documents, was and had no problem.

The fourth thing is a financial power of attorney. Someone can be in a spot either for some period of time or maybe even for years where they need somebody else to be able to make the financial decisions. Because otherwise you can get backed up where you're going into court for these kinds of things. And sans act can be just nightmarish.

So anyway, those are the four primary documents you need to have in place. A will or living trust, okay? living will, health care power of attorney, financial power of attorney. Those four. Just looking at this top row, people need to realize, and we have it here as a part of marriage counseling, but the reality is that there are things here that fit even for a single person.

That these life stages are something that are Typically going to be there, and it may in some cases be quite uncomplicated, like with Nancy's dad, where he was just, you know, gone in an instant. I was at work. Nancy's mom called. You know, she was really distressed, and her husband just went home to be able to work. That was it. For Nancy's mom, it was, you know, over a period of years, she needed lots of different kinds of assistance.

So, but just being prepared for those life stages, critical thing. Let's take a look at the next one down here, honoring parents. I think that the key thing here is honoring parents is something that is lifelong, okay? But it means something different at different stages of life. And what we put here is the first one for those who are under their parents' roof, is obedience. That's what honoring your parents means, obedience. The next stage, when they leave home, they're still honoring parents and that's respect.

Why do we say it's no longer obedience? Because they're no longer under their Yeah, no longer under their command. As a matter of fact, the next topic is really where we get to the answer to that, isn't it? It's a question of headship, especially when you're talking about the stages, you know, the husband and wife have now established a new home, and the husband is now the head of that home, and so obedience to the parents is not what's called for, but respect is. Still respecting. So, Nancy and I have been married a couple months here, it will be 35 years. Both my parents are still around. It's been a long time since I obeyed them, but I still have a place of respecting them. And then the final one there in the series is responsibility. Taking responsibility for assisting the parents. And in a marriage relationship, you are marrying into the responsibility. You're also marrying into that respect stage.

When Nancy and I had our 13th wedding anniversary, and according to the world's idea, that's something unlucky, right? I wrote Nancy's parents a letter thanking them for her. Well, both her parents are gone, but we kept the letter. But I sent them a letter.

It is respect for them. I married into that obligation of respect. Even though it's her parents, I married into the obligation. So that's the place that this fits into marriage counseling and into consideration in marriages, is you're marrying into this first level, life stages, all the way to assistance and even dealing with the deaf, but then also into respect and responsibility.

Now let's look at the last one, headship in the home. Who is the husband and father in each household? That's the question. You have in the beginning here, Husband and father, because you're talking about birth within that household. The husband and father in that household is the one who has the biblical headship.

Four years ago, and this was traumatic, four years ago I walked my daughter Becky up the aisle. It took me a year to mentally adjust to that one, but I walked my daughter Becky up the aisle. What did that mean? It meant that when my dad did the wedding, my dad says, who gives this woman to be married? Her mother and I do. Oh, I just tear my heart out. But anyway, what was I doing? I was handing the headship off for Becky to her husband, Kurt. So that's this new headship. As of two months and a few days ago, Kurt became a father, so there's that headship.

He is the husband and now father of Nadia, the one there. So there is that transfer then of the headship as husband and then father. And then, let's project in time, a couple decades from now, Let's say Nadia is getting married and Kurt's going to walk her up the aisle. Who knows who will do it, but we'll say, who gives this woman to be married, right? And there will be the handoff of headship again.

So that's what we have here is the headship and the home. And you notice we kind of have these lines between these stages because there's In other words, we've got three different things going on, but there's a correspondence between the two. Right? See that? That the marriage brings a transfer from obedience to respect, brings the transition from the husband and father of one household into a new headship. Art?

In the marriage ceremony, who gives this? this woman or this man. And when I said his mother and I, that really isn't scriptural. It's the father that gives the one being Mary. It is ultimately the father handing off headship, isn't it? But there is a place of recognition, and I know when Hal would do a marriage ceremony, it is key, a principal point. Though it is the father handing off headship, it is also something to be recognized. by basically everyone. And parents are certainly principal parties in that recognition. But everyone needs to recognize that. That this is a new unit that God has ordained here. That there's a new headship being established. And a new home. And that home has its own autonomy. So yeah, ultimately you're correct. It is the headship being handed off by the Father.

But everybody, and especially the parents, both husband and wife, need to recognize that. And others as well. We've had, Nancy and I, as we've counseled different couples and the premarital counseling and that sort of thing, we've had situations where we've had to talk to parents. We've had situations even where we've had to talk to siblings. about, you know, okay, look, your brother's going to be getting married here and you need to realize that.

It doesn't mean he's cutting off his relationship with you, but this new relationship here has a priority, a biblical priority. Now, the last item there is priority of responsibility. And one of the things that is important in this is, first of all, People need to recognize that there is a responsibility there. That's some of the first stages we've looked at. I mean the first lines we looked at here in these life stages. To recognize there's a responsibility.

Have you ever run into situations where the kids just pay no attention to their adult parents that need help? Yeah, I mean it's sad. Here's the adult parents that need help, the kids just don't give a hoot. It's really sad, and sad in lots of ways. According to those who run restaurants, that is very common. Yes, the kids are just done.

Instead of recognizing the responsibility, they just write it off. And one of the things I think that's contributed to that is, first of all, not teaching these things in a church context, but also I think increasingly there's just an assumption that government will just take this stuff up. And frankly, the government, I mean, in some ways I'm glad there are programs out there, but the government doesn't do a very good job of handling it all by themselves. It just doesn't work that well.

And to have somebody who is a family member who cares is a whole lot better than the most well-intended and well-trained bureaucrat. And that's not speaking ill of anybody. That's just saying it's far better to have a family member who cares than to have this whole thing down to shuffling paper among bureaucrats. So one is recognizing the responsibility, and another part of it is, because we can see this here, but even getting to a place where, you know, siblings have to work things out. Now, who's going to do what? With Nancy's sisters, it was wonderful. There was no squabbling at all. I mean, it was really, really neat.

But you can have situations where, boy, different siblings have different preferences. This is also one of the places where it's very helpful to have parents who have taken the initiative to settle out how things are going to get done. Because if they have not done so and you have any squabbling between siblings, it can be a nightmare. And typically that goes on into squabbling over wills and trusts and things of that sort.

When I was still over in Carson City, one of the jobs that our firm took on is there were three sisters who owned the largest piece of commercial property still undeveloped in Carson City. 500 acres of commercial property. And the three sisters kept suing each other and suing each other and suing each other. And finally the judge says, I am sick of seeing your faces. He says, I'm going to assign this to this attorney over here. And so the attorney hired us to handle some plans for how would you deal with this commercial property.

And so we got pulled in there. But that's definitely not the preferable mode. And even the world gets thoroughly disgusted with that. Okay? And so the ideal thing is if parents can take the initiative to head off something like that, and the ideal thing is if siblings can work out any differences if there are any before getting into the midst of the mess and making a mess out of it. The priority responsibility we have here is being of their own household. That is the sons and daughters are the ideal ones to first step in there. Parents and children with direct lineage. is another key to that priority.

Grandchildren, and there's even mention here of grandchildren stepping in to help. Aunts, uncles, cousins. Nancy and I have a neighbor across the hallway. She's 98. She has no living direct offspring, so basically it's a niece from Boston. who comes and helps her out.

But at least there's a family member willing to step up to the plate there. The church, as you notice here, is the final one on the list. It doesn't mean that the church can't offer various kinds of assistance, but the point being that the church should look to family members if there's some regular ongoing time and finance assistance in order to help someone. And then, if that's not there for whatever reason, then the church has a place to step in. But that's something that Paul wrote to Timothy about in 1 Timothy chapter 5, just in terms of the family members need to step up to the plate. And not burden the church unnecessarily if the family members are able to do so.

Now, we put this all out here in life stages. And we put this in the context of a marriage relationship. There are some other things that come out of this. Let's say you're talking with a couple who's planning to be married. And let's say it's happened with Nancy and I some years ago. One of them says, oh, I'd like about approximately three kids. Not sure how you do that, but three kids. And that was the statement of the wife-to-be. The husband-to-be says, I don't want any.

Now what? See, there's a life stages issue, isn't there? And we've run into that more than once. Oh, we'd like to get married, but this is unresolved. So let's compromise and only have one and a half, right? How does that get worked out? What do you suggest that the couple do? Talk it over and I'm not sure that that marriage will last. Ultimately, it can be a deal killer, so to speak. It can be, because it is possible that that is such a strong desire on the part of one, and such a point of resistance on the part of another, that this shouldn't go forward.

It also gets into the second level when you start talking about parents, but you're also getting into grandparents. Grandparents? Grandparents want to be grandparents. Ah, isn't that interesting? Grandparents want to be grandparents. And they can't do that without the kids. But to have grandparents, you have to have kids that want kids, right?

Yeah. So it can end up being a real frustration, not only in the marriage, but also in other extended family relations. Yeah. Yeah. So that can be a tough one. That can be a tough one. All I meant to say was you should have started with a larger base. Yeah. You should have started with a larger base. Larger base. More than two children. Ah, okay. Yeah.

The thing is that that this is one of those life stages issues. You notice in this thing, having children are a part of this mix. Well, if you don't have the children in the decision, it can be a problem. So the life stages issue brings up other issues with it. And one of those is dealing with this question, are we going to have kids or not?

And if it's a, you know, a definite, issue with one or the other, then that can be a real point. And it may be the wise thing to do to say this marriage shouldn't go together. It shouldn't happen. But it is an important thing to surface before the wedding, before the marriage takes place.

Isn't it that time will take care of that issue? You say time will take care of the issue. What do you mean by that? Well, after after the father that didn't want to have any children realizes that his wife is going to have his son or daughter and time changes after this whole aspect. That's why he realizes how wrong he was. Well, hopefully he realizes.

I've seen situations where that's just blown apart the relationship. It's a gamble. Yeah, it's a gamble. What our spring up is that sometimes, let's say a father is resistant to the idea of, you know, having his baby, the baby's coming. I've seen situations where it blows the marriage apart. On the other hand, sometimes there is a realization, okay, this is coming and I guess it's okay. But you're right, there is a gambling point because it could go either way. Essentially, it's something that really needs to be talked about ahead of time before the marriage takes place so that people realize where this is headed. Yes, some conditions change also.

It was not a case that Owen and I didn't want to have children, or we didn't have children. It was a case that I traveled all the time in the public relations industry, in the space program. After a heyday in the space program, I was gone for quite some time. And we agreed upon the fact that a child needs to be raised by two sets of parents. that until the situation changed, which one job to another isn't changing, we would like to go ahead and subject a child to one parent.

Okay. And so I think the thing is, but what you're talking about is you talked about it. You communicated about it. We've done that. Yeah, right. And so there was communication about it. The difficulty comes when people don't talk about it and they all of a sudden find themselves in a spot that could be either, one, un-reconcilable or two, not having talked about it, all of a sudden they find themselves in a spot where it continues to be difficult. That can be a tough one. Something else in kind of stepping through this thing is And that is, you've got number nine here, this is all the targets.

And that is that ultimately, and you'll see children in this chart, ultimately the children, although they are a high priority, the highest priority in the marriage relationship is the relationship that the couple have with the Lord. and the relationship that the couple has with each other.

Children, like here's Nancy and I, we got married, you know, we didn't have kids for several years. We had kids and finally the kids are all, you know, growing out of the house, having their own kids. So the children are a stage in there and the marriage needs to be there and maintain and continue and have the top priority in the family over time and not have the kids suddenly become some out-of-whack priority. It is critical that this be understood because a couple that, for example, puts the kids up on some kind of a pedestal where the kids are ruling the roost. Real trouble. The marriage needs to be glued together spiritually and it needs to have a longevity and a security that goes beyond the kids.

Yeah, Wayne? That's certainly not a message to put out today. Oh, no. The world's all kinds of mixed up. We learn from our kids and I'm thinking there's something wrong with this. Yeah, yeah, we teach our kids by example not by and I think I mentioned to somebody, you know, one thing that always bothered me was when two adults were talking and the child are yanking on the pant leg and it's the attention immediately has been to the child. Yeah, that conversation is gone. Yeah, that was a problem. This concept is lost in the world. They just have no idea of it.

But it's a part of the life stages question we're looking at here. And that's the importance that the marriage is going to be there, typically, before the kids are in the mix. The marriage is going to outlast the kids, typically. And the marriage needs to have a substance and a consistency that goes beyond the kids.

The kids have a definite place in the whole family picture, but they're not in the middle of it. And they're not to get in the way. And they're not to become top priority such that the marriage character is disrupted. Important thing. And that's where this fits into the whole life stages thing. You notice that children are part of the life stages issue. But at no point does that mean that the kids, the children, become some higher priority than the marriage itself. That's not God's intent.

Okay. We're out of time. Okay? Let's pray. Lord, as we look at these things here, we just entrust our thoughts, our hearts to you. There are lots of things here that maybe impact situations we're in. And we look to you for wisdom and understanding and insight here. Each of us is really at one or more of these life stages situations right now. And so we look to you to give us insight, to give us understanding, and ask that your Holy Spirit would be bringing these truths to heart and to home to us. We just pray this in Jesus' name. Amen.