The Book of Hebrews - Parenting starts with an "F" - Ephesians 6:1-4

Good morning. We're going to be going through the series for this month on parenting. And just a few comments right off. One is that you might be thinking, well, wait a minute, I'm not a parent. How is this relevant to me? I think there are some things to look at here.

One is being a parent. is a position that the Lord has got people in for a stage in their lives from which they're going to learn a great deal. So be praying for parents. Also be praying for kids. I would say that raising kids these days with the idea that you're going to raise them as Christians is tougher than it was even when Nancy and I were raising kids. that was tougher than the time before. Our society has become less and less accommodating to Christian faith and belief. So one, you will know better how to pray.

Another is simply a matter of support and encouragement. I don't intend to have you, if you're not a parent, especially if you're not a parent anymore, I don't intend to have you think, oh, that's how I should have done it. But rather, I think the thing to do is to look at it and say, God's Word does provide a great deal of guidance for parents. And if you're not in that particular role, as Nancy and I no longer are, we are still in a place of supporting and praying. And you can pray more effectively understanding these principles from Scripture. Now, we're going to be looking at the passage that Courtney read for us, but first I want us to get the big picture here on this passage.

Ephesians 5.18 through 6.9 is one continuous line of thought. The typical ways that our Bibles break this up fail to get across what Paul was saying. And let me explain what I mean by that.

The imperative that begins this is right after Paul says, do not get drunk with wine, and he says, but you must be filled with the Spirit. After that are five verbs that come as a result of being filled with the Spirit. So, speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody with your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks for all things in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to God, even the Father, and being subject to one another in the fear of Christ. That last one, being subject to one another, is not a command, it is the outcome from being filled with the Spirit.

Got that? Very important. Because what our translations typically say in verse 22 is, Wives, be subject to your own husbands as to the Lord, and that's not what the passage says. It is not a command for the wives to be subject to their husbands. If a wife is having difficulty being subject to her husband, it is not because she needs to be pressured into being subject.

You have to go back to the beginning. It's because she needs to know about being filled with the Spirit. See the difference there? Okay, so this is part one. Wives being subject to their husbands is a consequence of her being filled with the Spirit. Now, it says being subject to one another in the fear of Christ. The other thing to point out is verse 22 where we have this bold underline. Wives to your own husbands is the first instance of being subject to one another that he is talking about.

The next one is 6.1. Children obey your parents and the Lord. That's the next instance of being subject to one another. The third one is in verse 5 of chapter 6. Slaves, be obedient to those who are your masters. So there are three instances of being subject to one another, specific instances that come as a result of being filled with the Spirit. That's what this passage is teaching.

Now, with that, Let's head into our slide set here and into the passage. So being subject to one another in the fear of Christ, and these are the instances, wives to your husbands, children obey your parents, which is what we're focusing on today, and slaves be obedient to those who are your masters. In being subject to, it's to set yourself under. Set yourself under.

Often translated subject to or submit to. And this one in here where we have the children obey your parents, we're going to be talking about that word that's translated obey. It means to listen under. And actually, obey is not the best translation if we really understand, because obey just sounds like you just do it. Whereas in fact, it's listen and place yourself under.

The other thing that you'll notice in this passage is each one of those places of submission has a relationship to the Lord. Wives to your own husbands, as to the Lord. Children, obey your parents in the Lord. Slaves, be obedient to those who are your masters, as to Christ. Everything is done, all submission is done in relationship to the Lord.

See that? So we have that, and this is the one we'll be looking at today. Children, obey your parents in the Lord. Now, so here's Ephesians 6, 1-4 that Courtney read for us. We're going to be breaking it up in this way. First verse 1, then 2 and 3 together, since it is after all one sentence, and then verse 4. Okay, so, children obey your parents to the Lord for this is right. So this word for children is Tekna, okay? And we won't be getting all technical, okay? But Tekna is the word that's used there. And so you can call your children, Tecna, Tecna.

Anyway, okay, the Greek text actually has a definite article. So it actually conveys the children, okay, not just children, but the children. Paul is speaking here to those who are old enough to listen and understand, and not too young, so that they did not understand and not too old, so they were out of the house.

Okay, so if you understand this, okay, it applies to you. Okay? Children. If you understand this, it applies to you. When you're out of the house, then you can forget about it, right? All right. Children need more than Bible stories in order to grow spiritually. They need, like this, direct instruction. Okay? Direct instruction on things. All right.

Now, let's talk about this word obey. In the English, it doesn't get across the idea of the Greek word, and the distinction is big. It's possible in our use of the word obey for a child to obey on the outside but not on the inside. Have you ever heard that? I'm obeying on the outside but not on the inside. That's not the meaning of this Greek word. And so it's very, very important that kids understand the distinction. The Greek word meaning has two parts. First, one listens. And then he places himself under what he has heard.

Now, have you ever heard, I hear you but I'm not listening? Okay? Ever hear that? This definitely has the idea of listening. You listen to what was said. What was my mom or dad or both of them saying? You listen to what's said and then place yourself under what you have heard. So you see the difference between that and obey? Obey just means you just do it. This means you really are listening carefully to what mom and or dad are saying and then place yourself under that what they are communicating.

So you really do listen, not just superficially, and you don't just do it, but you respond out of what you have genuinely listened to and heard. Now, so, your parents. Alright, so do you pick one? No. There's no distinction between mother and father. The child is to listen under to both of the parents. Both of them.

Also applies to anyone that the parents place in temporary authority over the children for a span of time. And it happens quite a bit in our culture. Extended family, babysitters, Sunday school teachers, camp counselors, coaches, Examples of those that the parents assign temporary authority over. Temporary authority. Now, in the Lord. This is similar to the phrase used in all three areas.

The wives to your own husbands, as to the Lord. Children, obey your parents in the Lord. Slaves, be obedient to those who are your masters, as to Christ. That pattern continues through the passage. In the Lord is referring to one's position in Christ. the position in Christ and to the relationship that the believing child has with the Lord. It's your position and it's also relationship. Your position in Christ as a believing child and your relationship with the Lord is the pattern for listening under to parents. The believing child should listen under his parents as he would listen under to the Lord.

That's the relationship there. It's not just an outward listening under, but from the heart. From the heart. Now, children, obey your parents and the Lord, for this is right. Paul's not trying to give their children a certain political orientation. It's not right-wing. Nor is he trying to teach children to discern the left hand from the right. That's not it.

What is it? Rightness comes from a character of rightness, okay? It's not just the right thing to do. It comes from Christ. Listening under isn't just doing the right thing. It comes from the very righteousness of Christ. For this is righteousness lived out from Christ Himself. You see that? It's not just do what your mom and dad say. It's righteousness lived out from Christ Himself.

Paul wrote this in Philippians 3.9, not having a righteousness of my own derived from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which comes from God on the basis of faith. You're not simply interested in behavior modification, okay? You're not simply interested in getting external compliance as parents, but aiming for Christ's righteousness to be expressed through your kids Wow, that's different. That's real different Let's look at Ephesians 6 2 & 3 honor your father and mother Which is the first commandment with a promise so that it may be well with you and that you may live long on the earth Okay, so is he putting us under the law? No in a word. Okay. Let's talk about that. I Is Paul putting us back under the law? Remember, the law has 613 different items. 365 of them are things not to do. All 613, including don't eat a worm found in the fruit. Is that what he means? Is he putting us back under the whole list?

Or just the first 10? No. Notice what you see here, that you may live long on the earth. You know, that's different from the commandment. For the Jews, it's not you live long on the earth, but you live long in the land. So why did he quote it differently? That land that God was referring to with the Jews was the land of Israel. Those of the church don't get the land of Israel in return for honoring their parents. Honoring one's parents has a spiritual dimension. It's God's design and intent from the beginning. It's one which, as a generalization, will have a positive payback.

I was talking with Nancy about this, and I said, one of the things that our kids saw and are still seeing is that we care for our parents. We cared for Nancy. Of course, Nancy's dad went home in a flash, just putting a lawnmower away, and he was gone. Nancy's mom took care for a time and then the Lord took her home. My folks are both still around and they still need care. But our kids see us taking care of our parents and have seen that.

And so the assumption here is that then they will continue that having seen it. So this is the honoring that he's talking about. And so here is a comparison. Paul says on the earth, and to the Jews it was in the land. So what Paul's doing is not laying the law on you, he's conveying a principle, a fundamental truth in the way things work. So what honor your father and mother means, because that's what the original commandment says, honoring your parents isn't just while you're under their roof and authority. As we'll see in the lesson about three weeks out, honoring your parents is lifelong, and it has three different stages. Honor can include, and it does towards the end of life, can include other help and financial support later in life. We'll talk about that more in detail.

As Paul wrote to Timothy in 1 Timothy 5.4, they must first learn to practice piety in regard to their own family and make some return to their parents later on in years, for this is acceptable in the sight of God.

So now we have Ephesians 6.4.

This is really zeroing in on parenting. Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Now, so this is where I say parenting begins with an F. And you say, hey, wait a minute, Vern. Yeah, I know. The need for children to listen under applies to both male and female. And the children are to listen under to both parents. Not just one or the other. Parenting begins with an F. What do I mean by that? The father is given primary responsibility by God for parenting. No ifs, ands, or buts. No questions about it.

Paul takes an approach that he often does, not this, but in sharp contrast, that. We saw that in the very beginning part of the passage here. He says, don't get drunk with wine, for that's dissipation, but in sharp contrast, and by the way, that Greek word behind that does actually mean sharp contrast. In sharp contrast, be filled with the Spirit.

Do not provoke your children to anger, but in sharp contrast to that, One of the things that becomes very clear you ever heard lead follow or get out of the way You might notice that it's there, but crossed out, okay Lead follow or get out of the way guess what if you're a father Follow or get out of the way is not an option.

Okay. You got two choices. You can lead or you can lead pick one Okay, that's it That is what the father is called to do. The father is called upon by God to be the one to lead in parenting. That's not because the mother's part is inconsequential or insignificant. It is not. Not at all. But the father is called to lead. This responsibility is clearly placed on the man. It does not mean that he's naturally good at being the leader. Got that? Okay? Doesn't mean that he's good at it naturally.

He may not be, but that's what he's called to. That's what he's called to. We may be from a background where we have little to no example. We may be from a background where the example that we had in a father was terrible. Does that exempt us from this? No. We're going to talk about that in a minute here.

As the husband is to be the leader and initiator in the marriage, that's the passage right before this, the father is to be the leader and initiator in parenting. That's what God calls for and no other options. There's no plan B. Scripture places the primary spiritual responsibility on the father. Now, let's talk about this, do not provoke your children to anger. For a father to even think of the response of his children was likely, excuse me, largely unheard of in the culture. The culture told the father, it doesn't matter what your kids do or how they respond, you just do what you're going to do. That's the way the culture worked.

Legally, father had the power of life and death over their children in the Roman Empire. A father could leave orders with his wife, kill this baby today. It was legal in the Roman Empire for a father to kill his son at any age if he was not legally accepted or adopted as a son. We have one written instance where a man in his middle 20s was with a number of other associates and the father came in and slaughtered him right in front of everybody and nobody flinched. So caring about how your children respond, no big deal in this culture. So Paul says, nope, wait a minute, it does matter. This verse should not be thought of as telling the fathers not to do anything to make the child angry or guess what's going to happen?

The child is going to use anger to selfishly manipulate. So what's his point here? There are three ways to provoke children to anger which is really exasperation and resentment. That's the word. By the way, provoke to anger is one word. It's exasperation and resentment and there are three ways to do it. So I'll give you a how-to. If you want exasperated, resentful kids, here you go.

One, no boundaries, guidance, or direction. I don't care. You do whatever you want, right? So that's one way. The kid's doing everything under the sun to try to get some attention. No boundaries, guidance. That'll do it. Okay. You want some other options? Here's another one. Unattainable standards of behavior and accomplishment. And the flip side of that is punishment so extreme will do the same thing. Extreme punishment will accomplish the same thing. So one is no boundaries or guidance.

The other is, boy, the bar is up here, even if the kid's only this high. And so that'll do it too. I can't get there. That's what the kid's saying. The third one is back and forth. I know a fellow that said he was brought up in a home where he never knew whether dad was just going to sit there or beat the tar out of him. And it was just back and forth. He had no idea. And so any one of those three will get the job done. It will cause exasperation and resentment. And that's what the Apostle Paul is talking about.

What are we aiming for? We're aiming for a consistency, and let's look at what that consistency is about. This word, but, here is, as Paul uses several times in this last part of Ephesians, it's a sharp contrast. So, provoke your children to anger, that is, exasperation and resentment, is presented in sharp contrast to bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Sharp contrast. Not this, but this.

So this is consistent with the pattern that Paul's been using. He started in chapter 4, he carries it on in chapter 5, and then into the beginning of chapter 6. So bring them up, as opposed to down and sideways, right? Bring them up. The words that are translated, bring them up, are written in a way that conveys continuous, active, deliberate, and steady progress towards growing and maturing towards the goal. You got that? Continuous. It's not just once in a while. Continuous, active, deliberate, and steady progress towards growing and maturing towards the goal. Raising children in the Lord is not done all at once. It's not a sprint. But neither is raising children in the Lord a marathon. What? I thought it was like a 20-year marathon, right? No. And here's why. Because a marathon, you just keep running the whole time. Raising kids, yeah, you're going to keep running.

But it keeps changing. You're taking them from one place to the next. And it keeps changing. The kids keep changing. The circumstances keep changing. And so you're going somewhere over a long distance. And what it means to be a good parent keeps changing all the time until you're done. So not so much a marathon.

Now let's talk about the discipline. This word discipline we talked about is the idea of putting someone back on the right path. Putting someone back on the right path. So discipline has a range of things that it involves and it may involve some negative message that nobody enjoys. However, what's the intent? The intent is to put the child back on the right path. When the Lord disciplines us, that's His intent, to put us back on the right path.

This discipline extends through different ages and stages of growing up, and it's constantly changing until you're done. Just about the time you think you've got it figured out, things change, right? The word discipline means everything from setting the parameters for nurture, this is how we're going to nurture the child, how the child will live and even consequences. Why consequences? Because you want to put them back on the right path. Now there's discipline and instruction.

One of the difficulties I shared about a friend who was brought up where he never knew whether his father was just going to do nothing or go crazy on him and So one of the things that he needed was here's some instruction on why I do what I do He needs some insight, but he was always just guessing This word means and this is important to place it in the mind and Very important. Place it in the mind. Our English word instruction doesn't necessarily get that across. It's not just a matter of having said something and then checking it off. It's delivering it into the mind.

So the question is not whether you said it at one point, but the question is whether you placed it into the mind of your child. You see the distinction there? This is the parent's part of helping the child to listen under. This is the parent's part in helping the child to listen under. The parent is actively seeking to place the truth and understanding in the mind of the child, and the child on their part is listening carefully and placing themselves under. this parenting thing while we talk about a series on parenting there is a part three verses we've had here for the child and there is a part for the parent in this and both of them are aimed towards him listening and understanding and having it had it placed in their mind and then putting themselves the children putting themselves under that truth conveyed It goes beyond having just said it, or having the child read it, or having someone else do that for you. Placing it in their mind.

Of course your children will need instruction in various areas. They'll need to learn how to eat properly. They'll need to learn how to drink properly. They'll need to learn how to read and write, and things like that of course. They'll need to learn how to relax and also hang in there. Now, they'll need to learn how to dress properly.

Of course, that'll be necessary. And one of the things you can probably count on, at least for a while, they will think that Dad is Superman. But that will probably come to an end. Right? When it comes to spiritual guidance, it's essential for parents to provide it, and for the father to take the lead as the spiritual head of the home. Okay?

God has no plan B. Now, people will find themselves in different circumstances. Sometimes it happens for various reasons, but for instance, here was Timothy who was taught by his mother and his grandmother the scriptures. His father was apparently a spiritual non-entity, a Greek pagan. And how that marriage had come together is a good question. So there are other instances, but for God's design, what's God's ideal, the Father is the spiritual leader and takes the head of the home.

Let's look at this word instruction. Culturally, in the Greek culture, instruction would have been centered around human perspectives on the world and on life. Very human-centered learning. In the Jewish culture, the training would have focused upon the law and Jewish traditions. That would have been their focus. But Paul is saying here that the essential training and instruction from the Father needs to be centered upon Christ.

Not just topically, but personally. A part of what the parent is doing, and it's not an optional part, a part of what the parent is doing is not just filling the head, not just giving spiritual data, but sharing the relationship and fellowship that they have with the Lord with their child. Okay, so what if you've already raised your children, and this is all done, and they have regrets? There's hardly one of us that don't at some point have this. Oh, I should have done this. I wish I'd have known this.

Right? There's always God's grace. There's always God's grace. There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. So if you want condemnation, I just can't help you. You'll have to go somewhere else. God can still work in your heart and in your children's hearts from this point forward. You can always pray for them. And even apologize if that seems appropriate. And to the extent you have opportunity in a listening ear, encourage them and others in what is biblical.

When my kids got into their teen years, I got to a place where I thought, boy, what do I do? Those were years where I was essentially on my own. In the family situation and so I had no example. Here's how you father teenagers, but boy did I pray a lot And I'm not doing that to brag I'm doing that because I was desperate I Was desperate and I would pray for my kids for hours Sometimes they catch me And then I remember it was June of 1989 I I came to not only Nancy, but to each one of my kids individually and sat them down and apologized because I told them I had not been the father that they should have had. And I was realizing I need to learn different. I need to learn different. So that may be appropriate too.

But there is always opportunity even if you look back and you say oh boy, I missed this or didn't do that There's always opportunity that the Lord presents before you Here is Ephesians 6 1 expanded and explained and we're going to give it some clarity here after looking a lot of details Children, you must be listening to your parents so as to put yourself under them in what they say Just as you would the Lord himself Because this attitude and response toward them is morally right because it is from the life and righteousness of the Lord Jesus Christ in and through you See the distinction. It's not just the right thing to do It's that but it's a whole lot more here's verses 2 & 3 as a principle applicable to all times fundamental truth you must be continuing to honor your father and mother which is displayed in children by listening under and later in life by giving them assistance and financial support which is the first commandment of the law of Moses given with a specific but generalized promise which comes across with the result that it may be spiritually morally and otherwise well with you and that is a general statement of wisdom that you may live long in the earth 4. Fathers, as God's designated head of the household, with your wife as your God-given complement, do not be continuing to stir up your children to continual exasperation and resentment, but in sharp contrast, bring them up steadily and consistently, entirely within the discipline towards real-life action and spiritually founded proactive and corrective verbal instruction which is from and is centered upon Jesus Christ the Lord. So these are the meanings of these verses.

Let's look up some things that are help and support in that. Bring them up with prayer. Men, lead your wives in praying about your kids and your joint leadership of your kids. Strongly recommend that. Except for certain topics, it's okay for your kids to see you doing that. There may be certain things where you say, I think we'll pray quietly and privately. But it's okay to let your kids see you doing that.

This is how mom and dad work things through. This is how mom and dad arrive at conclusions. They pray about it. Pray for yourself and your spouse about their part in bringing up the kids. And pray for the Lord's work in the lives of your kids at every age and stage of life. So Nancy and I pray every day for our kids. And we pray for our grandkids. Pray every day. You can keep on praying. Matter of fact, if you're a parent, Pray while you're a parent. But once the kids are out of the house, don't stop. Don't stop. Keep going.

Another point here is convey what's important. Carefully consider what's important. Husband and wife talk about it and how you're going to convey what's important to your children. You know, one of the great shames that you see in scripture is you will see instances of, for example, a godly king or a king who had a heart for the Lord and the son never picked up on it. Oh, that's important.

So you have examples. Here's David and then he was wholeheartedly for the Lord even though he erred greatly at times. Solomon was half-hearted and then after that the kingdom split. You had Hezekiah, a godly king. His son Manasseh was responsible for sawing Isaiah in half.

So, passing on what's important deliberately and with thought is exceedingly important. Let it not be just in what you say, but in what you do. The message, this is important, needs to get across. and be deliberate and decisive about it. Be very clear.

Rather than trying to force religion down your kids' throats, share the relationship and fellowship you're having with the Lord with them and what you're learning of late. And just like I told, I apologized to each of my kids, just realizing that I had not been the example of a father that I should have been to them. I can recall one time Nancy asked our kids, can you tell the difference when I'm walking with the Lord and when I'm not?

And they go, uh-huh. You see, it's giving them spiritual insight into what's behind what's going on. If it isn't just, you know, all right, I'm always doing the right thing. They need to see what makes the difference and it has to do with walking in fellowship with the Lord. Share the relationship and the fellowship you're having with them and what you're learning of late and find out what your kids are learning too. One of the things we tell in the marriage seminar is husbands, Find out your wife's spiritual frontier. Where is her growing edge? And then be her frontiersman. The same thing applies with kids. Where is their growing edge? Find out their spiritual frontier and then be their frontiersman. And God has charged fathers with that role primarily.

Don't be afraid to share your shortcomings and your struggles, especially if it will help your kids grow. A lot of parents kind of have this idea, well, I've got to go out there and always be right and always appear that everything's great. If your kids are going to grow from it, please do share. Don't be afraid of that. There's value in that. If you just learned something the hard way, tell them.

If you feel like you don't have the background or examples of how to do things right, then I would say in great part I didn't. There are three resources for you. God's Word, just like we're studying here today. Two, the Holy Spirit teaching you from the inside out. And three, we have personal examples and teaching in the body of Christ. to guide us along the way. Oh, that's how you father. That's how you be a dad to a two-year-old. That's how you be a dad to a 10-year-old. That's how you be a dad to an 18-year-old.

So the body of Christ is the third resource. So if you have a blank in some area because you didn't have an example, or if you can look back and say, you know, I had a really good bad example, but I'm not quite sure what's right. These are the three resources. You've got God's Word, the Holy Spirit teaching you, and personal examples in the body of Christ. The other thing I would suggest in this, keep in mind where you're headed.

Remember the message there of Ephesians 6.4 is a steady progress toward a goal. It's important to keep in mind where you are bringing, should be bringing your children up to, spiritually, emotionally, intellectually, financially, and you can even list some other areas there. But the point being, always keep in mind where you're headed, and you can talk with your children when they get to the point where they understand it, about this is where we're headed, this is where we're taking you. You can talk, not just husband and wife, but communicate to them, this is what we're trying to convey to you. Another is discovering and helping them discover and develop their interests, their inclinations, their skills and talents.

I think this is actually the message in, you know, bring up a child in the way that he should go. That word means in the way that he is inclined or has a tendency or a bent. So you're not just getting a promise, if you train up a child in the way you should go, he won't depart from it. But what you're getting is a challenge to discover how is my child bent, inclined, right?

And then help develop those things. Another one, as they get farther into their teen years, are they gifted for singleness or marriage? We have in our Singles Seminar, we have a section early on that says, here is how you determine whether I have the gift of singleness or the gift of marriage and help them to discover that. And if they have the gift of marriage, how do I biblically develop a romantic relationship? So this is key wisdom to pass along.

Now, I have taken liberties with Ephesians 4, 11-13 and written Ephesians 4, 11-13 for parents. Okay? Alright. So I'm glad you're sitting down. and don't have anything in your hand. And Christ gave parents to bring up the children entrusted to them through love and discipline and instruction and example, for the equipping of the children for the work of service God has set before them, to their building up of your own family and of their families, each a part of the body of Christ, until we in our families and in the body of Christ all attain to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God, so that we bring up our children toward spiritual maturity as measured by the stature which belongs to the fullness of Christ himself." See, ultimately, shepherding a church body is very parallel to parenting children, because you are, in fact, as mom and dad, the shepherds of the household, right? Shepherding them along.

And so the spiritual truths that are written into Ephesians 4, 11 through 13 are a great place for parents to look to see, you know, where am I headed? Spiritually speaking, especially, where am I headed with my kids? Where do I aim them? Where can I say this is our goal? And I think this passage spells it out.

So thank you for accommodating my rewrite of Ephesians 4, 11 through 13. Let's pray. Lord, we thank you that as we look at this rather daunting task, and I would say increasingly daunting task of parenting, parenting Christian children in an increasingly secular culture, we look to you for wisdom and how to carry that out. We know that it is challenging at best, and it's a task that is in fact too much for us. But you are adequate. You are adequate for these things.

And we just pray that we would learn these things, whether we're parents or whether we're in a position of supporting and praying for those who are parents. And we just thank you for these truths, precious truths from your word. We pray in Jesus' name. Amen.